Quest for sanity
by Inanna16
Summary: Shaw is taken by the Samaritan and Root is devastated. Every night she dreams of Shaw and every morning she wakes up in an empty bed. Until one day, Greer ofers the deal with the devil and world starts spinning around Root. /There is also a promise of sex, AI gods and ultimate evil./
1. Chapter 1

_If we died tonight, would it ever be the same?_

 _If it's over now, would I comfort you again?_

Root just got home. If there were any place for Root to call home at all, it would be Shaw's apartment, near the subway station, where Team Machine's current base of operations was.

Except there was no Shaw.

It was almost unbearably painful for Root to be here. However, at the same time, she simply could not abandon this place, where she and Shaw had so many happy moments together. Where Shaw made the first romantic dinner for her (shut up, Shaw doesn't do romantic). Where Shaw made love to her for the first time. And where she said those simple yet so meaningful words to Shaw, seeking nothing in return and receiving so much, knowing back then that she's the only one for her and she'll always be.

Every cushion, every glass, every wall, all of it reminded Root of Shaw.

Since the Samaritan took Shaw, Root was restless. She could not eat, she couldn't sleep. And were it not for the Machine in her ear, she would most certainly be dead by now.

Harold and Fusco both tried to help here, but there was nothing they could do for her. Reese was the only one who understood, having lost Carter a mere months ago. He would keep an eye on her during the missions and he brought her to Shaw's apartment for more than ten times, when she tried to find consolation the bottle, not caring if she ended swaying on her feet so badly she could barely stand anymore or if she got kicked out of the bar for taking part in any fight that happened to take place near her in that intoxicated state of mind. He was her guardian angel, strong and silent, eager to punch anyone who as much as tried to offend her.

But Root wasn't tankful, she'd prefer death to this life anytime. Without Shaw, she had no reason to live.

The Machine somehow sensed her despair and sadness, and never stopped whispering soothing words in her cochlear implant, but Root simply stopped listening.

Root took off her clothes and headed for bedroom, determined to take a sleeping pill to bear the night without nightmares. But, in her current state of mind, she had forgotten to buy another package of pills, and the Machine hasn't considered it important enough to remind her. Which, Root doubted, was because She didn't approve Root taking pills at all. Not that she was inclined to take any advices.

So, Root simply threw herself to bed, desperately trying not to think about Shaw lying right there, on that same pillow, snoring slightly, her black hair entangled and soft.

That night, sleep came to Root almost unexpectedly and she drifted away in a minute. But, it weren't nightmares torturing her this time. It was even worse, her desperate mind tormenting her with pictures of Shaw…as she dreamt of their first time together.

 _Root just came to the library after saving a particularly stubborn number, whom she would gladly kill herself, only to save her the trouble of dealing with his whining and complaining. Not mentioning constant questioning about her source of information and threatening with lawsuits. Bastard._

 _On that evening, library was empty, except for Shaw, who sat there, cleaning her weapons and keeping an eye on Finch's computers._

 _Root stood there in silence, observing Shaw from behind the book shelve, admiring her concentration and skill, her astounding beauty and the complete lack of awareness that she had about it._

 _When Root came near enough for Shaw to notice, she could clearly see Shaw's annoyance with herself for not noticing Root earlier. And something else, which Root could have easily taken for happiness, were it not Shaw._

 _"_ _Hey, sweetie," Root begun, "why so alone?"_

 _"_ _Root, you have to stop stalking me like that," Shaw decided to play annoyed card. "What if I mistook you for someone else and shoot you?"_

 _"_ _Why, Sameen, it's not like you didn't do this before," Root winked, leaning lightly at the wall behind Shaw._

 _"_ _That was different and you know it. Back then I wanted to shoot you," Shaw replied._

 _"_ _Is that so? And what do you want to do to me now?"_

 _Shaw slightly blushed in the dim light of computer screens, causing Root's smirking. She loved pestering Shaw sooo much. And sometimes, she suspected, Shaw loved it too. She would just not admit it loudly._

 _"_ _Too bad you don't have any idea, sweetie. Because I do have lot of them. And you'd like some of them too, if I may add."_

 _"_ _Root…I…" Shaw stammered._

 _"_ _Yes, Sameen?"_

 _"_ _Nothing," Shaw just stopped, blushing furiously and finding her left shoe particularly interesting._

 _"_ _Well then, I should be going, it's really late. And the Machine booked a hotel room for me for this night," Root said, sounding little disappointed._

 _"_ _Right," Shaw said, "goodnight, Root."_

 _"_ _Goodnight, Sameen," Root replied, turning away and heading for the stairs. But, she managed to barely make tree steps, before Shaw called her name._

 _"_ _Yes, sweetie?"_

 _"_ _Root, you know… you can sleep at my place tonight," Shaw muttered. "If you want to… I mean…it's-"_

 _"_ _I'd love to, Sameen," Root was fast to grab an opportunity, which presented itself._

 _"_ _Good. I'll just shut down Finch's computers and we can go," Shaw said, focusing her attention on her right shoe this time._

 _Root wondered what's with Shaw, but wisely decided to drop it for now. She really preferred sleeping on Shaw's couch (or maybe even somewhere else this time…who knows) to occupying some lifeless hotel room, regardless of its comfort and luxury she was sure the Machine had paid attention to._

 _They got in Shaw's car without saying a word, and drove to her apartment silently, but not peacefully. Somehow, air was tick with unspoken…things. Root did not know what was it, but every time she chanced a glance at Shaw, she was quick to glance away, but not quick enough. Root wondered how they even managed to get to Shaw's apartment without an accident. Maybe the Machine took care of that somehow._

 _In front of the door of her apartment, anyone who did not know Shaw, would describe her as clumsy, as it took her tree attempts to unlock the door successfully. By now, Root was so amused, that she simply could not keep her mouth shut anymore._

 _"_ _Sameen, have you somehow managed to catch a flu?"_

 _"_ _No, why," Shaw shot her a dark look._

 _"_ _Just wondering. You seem like someone who's certainly not freezing," Root slightly chuckled, pointing her glance at sweat drops, which rolled down the Shaw's cheek._

 _"_ _Root, just shut up and go inside."_

 _"_ _I've always imagined you'd say something like that, sweetie," Root purred, as she entered Shaw's apartment. She could almost felt Shaw blushing and rolling her eyes behind her back._

 _"_ _Here," Shaw said while tossing pillow and blanket at her._

 _"_ _And no pajamas," asked Root with a grin. "Do you want me to sleep in my underwear and catch a cold?"_

 _Shaw rolled her eyes, trying to find something in her drawer, for Root to use for that night. Which was not easy, considering a height difference between them. Somehow, she found a (black) t-shirt and (black) shorts and tossed them to Root, who was by now enjoying herself all too much._

 _"_ _What's so funny," asked Shaw._

 _"_ _Nothing. I just think you are so sexy when you bend like that. It makes your ass look magnificent."_

 _"_ _Root, stop it. I'm going for a shower now."_

 _"_ _Want me to join you," said Root playfully._

 _"_ _No. You can use it after I'm done," said Shaw with a determined tone._

 _"_ _Aw, Sameen, why so serious," pouted Root, but to no avail. Shaw just grabbed some clothes and a towel and headed for the bathroom, quickly closing the door._

 _At least she did not lock the door, thought Root with a grin._

 _Ten minutes passed and Root could hear that the water stopped running. That meant Shaw was drying herself now… Root had to use more and more willpower to keep herself on that damn couch, instead of going right there and chancing a glance at Shaw's naked body. She could imagine she would be kicked out quickly, but her dreams would improve considerably._

 _When Shaw finally finished, she opened the door, wrapped in one big (black) towel, and managed to say only "Root, you can—"_

 _For on the couch sat Root, wearing nothing but her underwear, with one eyebrow raised._

 _"_ _Done finally, Sameen? I'd never take you for someone who needs so much time. But mouth drop is certainly improving my self-confidence," she said with a wink._

 _Shaw rolled her eyes, trying not to blush, but blushing nonetheless._

 _"_ _And you're SOO cute when you blush, sweetie," said Root, while approaching the bathroom door._

 _And then it happened._

 _Trying to get out of the doorframe, with Root standing oh so close, wearing nothing but lacy bra and panties, Shaw somehow managed to press her back at the doorknob and unhook the towel she wrapped herself in. In the next second, towel piled up on the floor, and Root's mouth went ajar._

 _Holy Machine!_

 _Shaw was even prettier than Root even dared to imagine, not to mention a whole lot sexier! Her breasts were so round and full, her stomach was so flat and sexy, and Root barely dared to down her gaze, as she felt her heart burning in her throat._

 _Shaw froze too, not sure how to respond. When Root looked at her face, she saw no horror in her eyes, but so much lust and want. Root almost choked, before she realized she was holding her breath, and had just enough time to breathe in and mumble "Oh, you're so pret-," before Shaw eliminated the distance between them and kissed her lightly, as if testing her reaction._

 _Root's mind went blank as she kissed Shaw back, buzzing in her good ear threatening to knock her unconscious. At first tender and light, the kiss deepened and soon enough they were pressed against each other in the doorframe._

 _Root cupped Shaw's cheeks, trying to pull her closer and deepening the kiss even more. Shaw responded eagerly, her tongue entering Root's mouth, toying with her own tongue, licking her teeth, sucking on her lips. This new sensation was something Root could not get enough of, dammit!_

 _Shaw's breasts were pressed against her own, and Root could almost feel Shaw's nipples piercing trough the thin fabric of her lacy bra. When did she get THIS aroused? Was it possible Shaw was also fantasizing about this…about Root like this? If yes, why didn't she notice it earlier?_

 _Root felt overwhelmed with sensations, as Shaw wrapped her arms around her waist, separating her legs with her hip, allowing her to press it against Root's crotch. Root moaned slightly, causing Shaw to smirk and attack her neck, sucking and kissing and biting. This was a completely new level of arousal, Root never experienced with anyone else before. She felt as if her skin was burning at the touch of Shaw's lips, kissing her lightly, at the place where she just clamped her teeth a split second before._

 _Shaw's tongue was trailing wet circles at Root's neck, heading for her right shoulder and a collarbone, causing Root to gasp and barely suppress a whimper. There Shaw set for biting and sucking, leaving little red marks, accompanied with a smug shine in Shaw's eyes._

 _Her hands unclasped Root's bra, tossing it aside and grabbing for her breasts eagerly, massaging them with her strong fingers, eliciting guttural moans from Root. She lowered her mouth and kissed one nipple lightly, before sucking it in her mouth as if her own life depended on it. Root's knees shook and she grabbed at the wall behind her back to keep her standing._

 _Shaw's hands wandered lower, her fingers trailing the contours of Root's waist and stomach, massaging her lower belly and stopping right before the waistband of her panties. Root's legs clenched around Shaw's hip, revealing the desire that was burning inside of her._

 _By now, Shaw decided that the doorframe simply won't do and pushed Root towards the couch, never stopping her ministrations, while Root was stumbling backwards and gasping at the same time._

 _When Root fell on the couch, Shaw positioned one knee between Root's legs and started placing wet kisses at the soft skin of the inside of her right elbow, followed by light bites. At that moment, Root saw sparkles. Then Shaw moved her mouth lower and started kissing Root's belly, her kisses so warm, Root felt like her skin was scorched at those places, and goosebumps formed on her whole body._

 _As Root chanced opening one eye just to admire Shaw's naked body, the way her breasts swayed when she moved from one part of Root's body to another, the shape of her strong shoulders, the curve of her stomach and the dark patch of hair between her legs. Root would love very much to get there, yes please. And while being there, stay for a considerable amount of time. If Shaw allows her near there at all, that is._

 _But Shaw had no doubt Root would allow her to place a light kiss at the thin lace of Root's panties, just above her clit. Root's heart skipped a beat as her throat produced a startled gasp. That felt SO good!_

 _"_ _Mind if I remove those," asked Shaw, eyeing her panties._

 _Root snapped open her eyes and managed to shake her head, gripping Shaw's shoulder with one arm, and the couch with other. It was all Shaw needed to pull that particular piece of underwear down her legs and throw it somewhere behind the couch. Root watched the action with eyes filled with arousal. She noticed Shaw's heavy breathing and registered the wetness she left on Root's left knee, which was positioned between Shaw's legs. Oh my, thought Root, mentally slapping herself for using the words Harold so loved to pronounce, before her line of thought was completely destroyed, as Shaw placed one long wet kiss on her clit. That alone was enough for Root to arch her back and produce one long moan._

 _Shaw then moved even lower and nipped at Root's inner thigh, trailing bites down her leg towards the knee, as Root's skin felt ablaze. Fingers of her left arm were caressing Root's other thigh, while she grabbed her ass with another arm, producing soft long moan from Root._

 _At some moment between now and eternity, when Root could've almost felt the wetness from between her legs starting to drip at the couch, Shaw simply shifted her attention from Root's thighs onto her crotch and dived into Root. That caused her half-closed eyelids to shut completely and her breath stopped somewhere in her lungs._

 _Shaw took Root's clit in her mouth, sucking at it ever so lightly, and Root dug her nails in the skin of Shaw's shoulder, crying out "Oh, fuuuck!"_

 _She could have felt Shaw's smirk against her clit, as she kissed it again and again, sending shivers up Root's spine. She just barely grazed it with her teeth, before kissing it again and biting it ever so gently. At that point, Root saw colors, little stars carved in the back of her eyelids. This could not be reality!_

 _Shaw's tongue traced down and up Root's labia, while Root whimpered. Then she concentrated on Root's clit again, sucking it again with more force, and massaging it with her tongue after each pull. When Root was more moaning than breathing, her chest rising and falling heavily, Shaw gently pushed two fingers inside of her, as deep as she could, and Root felt her brain abandoning her, packing its stuff and leaving for good._

 _It was as if Shaw knew her body all too well. She played it with ease, her fingers pushing strongly in and out of Root, curving with each pull and pressing at the spot inside of Root, she was never so aware of before._

 _"_ _Saaaameen...m…-"_

 _Root surprised even herself with that, which earned her the raised eyebrow from Shaw, who just glanced at her and did not even try to move from her position, as if she decided to camp there for a while._

 _"_ _That….place…yes…so gooood," was all Root managed to say._

 _Shaw knew all the right places and all the right spots, causing Root's body to tremble and shake, her muscles moving on their own will, and her heart barely managing to pump enough blood to keep them moving. Root never knew she had so many moans and whimpers inside of her. In addition, as if the mentioned just was not enough, at some point she heard her throat producing wailings, and she just did not care. If she lost consciousness right there and right then, she would not care. This was sooo worth it._

 _While Shaw's mouth and fingers were busy between Root's legs, her other hand caressed Root's breasts, and Root grabbed it desperately with her left hand, her right hand entangled in Shaw's hair, pulling her head impossibly close. Shaw was eager to comply, licking and sucking with even more force, while adding the third finger into Root, which caused the latter to grip at her free hand with enough force to leave bruises, unable to control herself._

 _She felt the tension building up in her nerves, between her legs and everywhere else, rapidly raising and threatening to send her over the edge in the matter of seconds. And then Shaw simply made one light lap over her clit and then one strong and warm, and Root's spine arched, her legs clenching around Shaw's head, and her inner muscles clenching around her fingers completely, holding them in place inside of her._

 _Her throat, however, managed to produce "Sameeeeeeeeen," while her muscles spasmed, everything white and shiny before her closed eyes._

 _The world went blank for Root._

Root wake up with rush of her blood trough her veins, unable to breathe, blinking rapidly at the darkness of Shaw's room.

Except there was no Shaw. And gasping for air, tears rolling down her cheeks and chin, Root doubted there will be Shaw in this room ever again.


	2. Chapter 2

_If there's no return to the sting that makes you real,_  
 _Then should everyone always fear their inner dreams?_

It's not like Root and the rest of Harold's merry little band of misfits didn't try to rescue Sameen Shaw. Oh, they did, several times. All of which, much to Root's dismay and despair, ended without Shaw back in their hands. The only, though not nearly sufficient consolation, was the moment when Root snapped Martine's neck. She loved to remember that moment in those long winter nights, lying on the couch, trying not to blame herself and Harold for not being fast enough to save Shaw, before Greer pushed her in that damn van and transported her to God-knows-where.

The click Martine's neck made at that moment, her eyes slowly fading, but still showing surprise, lines of her face becoming dull, while all her life must've been running before her eyes... now, that must have counted for something. If it would've brought Shaw back, Root wouldn't mind killing Martine for a hundred more times.

In her past life, Root has been anyone and everybody, depending on the current task, taking errands and killing whoever her next victim happened to be, without as much as blinking an eye. Back then, she wouldn't remember killing Martine. She'd be just a nameless woman to her.

Back then, Root would also not remember losing someone she loved. She simply wouldn't care, because at the time, there was no one she cared about. That was also a reason why she was perfect for that job and for that life, fearless and bold, ready to die if that was what the next day prepared for her.

When she found out about the existence of the Machine, the euphoria took her entirely. She was so happy, because back then she had thought that she had found a new reason to live – her personal God. And that felt so, so good.

But, accepting the Machine as her God, she also had to accept Her principles and moral values, the basic postulates Harold incorporated in Her code. And with that knowledge, looking back at her past life, remembering all the deaths she caused, all the abruptly ended lives, orphans and widows, Root felt the horror seeping in her bones, leaving her almost unable to breathe.

Then again, with Martine it was entirely different. Root was almost proud of herself for killing her, and the only thing tainting her achievement was the regret she didn't get an opportunity to torture the bitch long and slowly, until she no longer could've prayed for Root to kill her.

Still, her death didn't bring back Shaw.

 _[Searching for a threat…]_

 _[…Samantha Groves not found…]_

 _[Continuing the search…]_

 _[Assessing the virtual environment…]_

 _[…estimating all the the possible outcomes…]_

Root was sitting in Shaw's kitchen, probing the chicken salad with a fork, wondering when the last time that she had some appetite was. She was a lousy cook, having specialized crumbled eggs about a decade ago, and since then managed to improve that recipe with some ketchup and mayonnaise. Which earned her lots of eye rolls from Shaw and constant mocking. And although Shaw tried to hide that smug look in her eyes, that she got every time Root praised her cooking skills, and mask it with an indifferent shrug, Root didn't ever fall for that.

Shaw was really skilled in the kitchen, keeping her meals tasty and her knives sharp. On more than one occasion, Root wondered just when did she learn how to cook that good. It couldn't have been in the marines, unless Shaw's sharp tongue earned her a few rounds of peeling the potatoes or chopping the onion rings. Nah, thought Root. Shaw must've been the most obedient and goal oriented soldier ever. Which was why she readily pulled that damn fence down and sacrificed herself at the Stock Exchange.

At that thought, Root felt her eyes pricking, tears threatening to spill for the hundredth time that week. She gave up on eating and got up from the kitchen table, placing the almost full plate at the counter. Fingers trailing down the rim of the counter, she remembered so vividly the first romantic dinner (shut up, it was just an ordinary dinner!) Shaw had made for her.

 _It was Friday afternoon, everyone in the Team Machine was already gone, and Root stayed in the library in order to write some code lines Harold had asked her to do for the next week. Outside, dusk was just falling on the Manhattan, and heavy clouds where threatening to all those who had forgotten to take an umbrella._

 _Root was nearly done, when her phone rang, the X-Files intro ringtone echoing between the book shelves of the library. She almost jumped at the sound, searching for her phone in the darkness of library. When she finally pressed Answer, there was a familiar voice on the other side of the line._

 _"_ _Root?"_

 _"_ _Hey, Sameen," Root purred, closing her eyes in order to shut out all the other things around her, except for Shaw's voice._

 _"_ _Do you have some plans for tonight," asked Shaw nonchalantly._

 _"_ _No, why?"_

 _"_ _Do you wanna come over for a dinner? I've just made too much food for lunch and…um… So I thought, if you're hungry, maybe you'd like to come to my place later…?"_

 _"_ _Yeah, why not. I haven't eaten properly in the last…four days, I think-"_

 _"_ _Root! You have to stop doing that. I've told you countless times, it's bad for your health!"_

 _"_ _Sameen, I really love it when you play a doctor with me," said Root amused, "I'll be there in an hour. Don't change your mind and eat it all, sweetie."_

 _It was with a record speed that Root finished all her tasks, tucked her laptop in her backpack, turned off all the remaining lights in the library, and rushed into the late Manhattan afternoon. If there were any sad, smelly or angry by-passers at the streets, her mind just chose to ignore them completely, focusing happily on the evening that was about to come. She almost whistled, the pictures of the last few evenings at Shaw's place dancing before her eyes._

 _When she finally got in front of Shaw's apartment, after climbing two steps at a time, Root pressed the bell for the third time, wondering why Shaw hasn't opened the door yet. The Machine told her that Shaw was at home, so there must've been something that occupied Shaw for so long. But what that was, was beyond Root._

 _When Shaw finally turned the key, grabbing the knob and opening the damn door, she was out of breath, a single sweat drop rolling down her cheek, blushing with a pretty nice shade of red. There was also a really big smile on her face. Root was surprised by that alone, not mentioning the very nice smell that was coming out of the apartment. And she also felt a sting of warmth in her abdomen, because Sameen Shaw was sooo rarely seen smiling. Root knew it better than to ask for more of those smiles, but nevertheless treasured each and every one in her memory, with special care. Because Sameen Shaw was a beautiful woman even when she was frowning (which was more often than not). When she smiled, Root felt like that stupid woman in that movie she watched when she was a kid, dancing somewhere in the Alps, spinning around, oblivious of the Nazis coming to get her and all the Von Trapps._

 _"_ _Umm…Sameen?"_

 _"_ _Yes, Root?"_

 _"_ _Mind if I…err…come in," asked Root, wondering what got into Shaw this time._

 _"_ _No, no, of course. Come in," Shaw was quick to respond, opening the door entirely, so Root could enter the apartment._

 _The shade of red on Shaw's cheeks was becoming more intense with every second. And she was also wiping her hands at the back of her (black) sweatpants, quickly hiding them in the pockets of her (black) hoodie, when Root raised an eyebrow. She was able to recognize a part of the t-shirt Shaw was wearing under the hoodie – it was her favorite Arch Enemy (black) shirt._

 _"_ _Sweetie, is everything alright," said Root while placing a light kiss at Shaw's right cheek._

 _"_ _Err… yes, why wouldn't it be," said Shaw with a frown, concentrating at some black spot on the wall behind Root's back._

 _By now, Root knew something must've been very, very wrong. She just couldn't for the life of her decipher what was it. So she smiled, pulled off her boots and leather jacket, and headed for the bathroom to wash her hands._

 _Halfway to the bathroom, she stopped in her tracks. For in the kitchen stood a table, full of different pots and plates. A bottle of wine and two candles included. Turning around, Root found Sameen Shaw frowning at her left flip-flop with intense concentration. Soooo…there is the famous lupus in fabula, thought Root, barely suppressing the grin. Lunch leftovers, my ass. Deciding it would be wise not to say anything for now, she opted for washing her hands first and obediently sat at the table._

 _She could've sworn Shaw wasn't breathing at all, because when Root took a fork with her left hand, she flinched, dropping an empty wine glass at the floor. When glass broke, little pieces of it flying all over the kitchen, Shaw just breathed out with a long sigh, not noticing at all what just happened. Root chanced a little smile and got up, carefully avoiding pieces of glass and coming behind Shaw's back._

 _"_ _Sweetie, why so worried," asked Root while gently tracing the contours of Shaw's neck and shoulders with her (black polished) nails._

 _"_ _I'm not-," started Shaw and quickly stopped, as if she suddenly realized there were no words available in her mind._

 _"_ _You know I think highly about your cooking skills, Sameen. And I'm sure this red wine is just perfect. And what is it that you prepared for me tonight? I mean the meal, not the sexy underwear and cuffs…"_

 _Root could've feel Shaw's muscles pulsating under her touch, goose bumps forming on the back of her neck. She wondered if Shaw was ever this nervous before the mission of is it reserved just for Root. She hoped for the latter, now unable to stop the grin forming on her face._

 _"_ _I…it's pork with balsamic cranberry sauce…I've seen it on the TV last week, so I thought…"_

 _Root waited for another fifteen seconds and when it was obvious Shaw wasn't going to continue the sentence, decided to take a risk._

 _"_ _Sameen, I love your choice of meal and I think it's wonderfully romantic of you to do something like this for me," said Root, still standing behind Shaw's back and pulling her in a testing embrace. At first she gave in, leaning into Root, but then some part of her mind came up with a response._

 _"_ _It's not a romantic dinner! I mean…it is a dinner, but just not a romantic one! I mean…you like pork meat, don't you?"_

 _"_ _Yes, sweetie. I do," said Root with a smile, leaning in to smell Shaw's hair._

 _"_ _And you like cranberries, don't you," came another question._

 _"_ _I like them, too," said Root, while placing a kiss at the back of Shaw's neck. That woman's gonna be the end of her, one of these days._

 _"_ _And you like…umm…those romantic…things," said Shaw, her pulse so loud Root could've felt it on her lips._

 _"_ _I do. Especially when they're connected to you, Sameen."_

 _"_ _Alright-"_

 _"…_ _and when they're something like a romantic dinner," said Root, turning Shaw's head into position more comfortable for a proper kiss._

 _"_ _Oh, shut-," was all Shaw said, before Root kissed her passionately._

 _Suddenly, Shaw was more comfortable with the whole situation and Root felt her hands pulling her into an embrace, careful not to break the kiss._

 _When they finally set for eating, both of them were breathless from the kissing, their clothes a mess, but they were grinning like a pair of idiots. And the dinner was beyond perfection. It was like Shaw just won the golden medal and second best was also herself, from all the previous meals._

 _Soon, Root was so full, she didn't even bother to sit properly, while holding a fork in one hand and the glass of wine in another, with satisfied grin on her face. And then Shaw decided it was time for a dessert. Root's eyes blinked a few times in disbelief at the adorable blue china bowls, filled with something that looked like a dream coming true for any kid (although Root knew no kids), and was in fact two scoops of ice cream, spiked with hazelnuts and little chocolate cubes, with hot coffee poured over all of it. Root's mouth was wet instantly, her mind reminding her that she was so full mere seconds ago. But, she shut it down, prepared to eat that ice cream, even if that would be the end of her._

 _Shaw grinned smugly, satisfaction in her eyes oh so obvious. Root didn't mind it and instead let her have it. She deserved it, as much as she deserved all the sex that happened that night, when they both managed to roll from the table onto the bed._

 _Root later realized it had been a month exactly, since their first kiss and love making. She didn't bother to count the days then, but Shaw did it for both of them. And it made Root feeling something in her gut, something she didn't dare to decipher back then._

But now, Root knew all too well what was it. The same feeling she felt now, against all the odds and reasons.

At those first weeks after the Stock Exchange, they tried everything. She and Reese followed every trail, traveled to every God-forsaken place in the United States, only to come back to NY empty handed. Harold has been helping them from the subway station, navigating them through the woods and villages, tracing the car plates and telephone numbers, never leaving his desk. Root suspected that at the same time he conducted another search in his own ways, although he didn't admit it to anyone of them.

Root refused to believe that Greer and his goons killed Shaw. She was convinced Shaw was too important for something like that to happen. They must've been keeping her somewhere, but where could that be – that was beyond Root's apprehension.

And it was the lack of help from the Machine that bothered her, more and more with every unsuccessful trip into unknown. As Harold had said before, humans are born with the free will. The Machines are object oriented.

Root, considering the Machine her God, used to think She was far better than that, refusing to believe She was just an ordinary (although somewhat big) piece of software. But, if she was right, what would that mean? If the Machine really had the free will, then why all this?

Root dreaded the thought of the Machine, seeing her suffering, moreover – seeing Shaw suffering (Root shuddered at the thought), and doing nothing. Since She was an all-seeing, all-knowing God, there was no way in hell She didn't know where exactly at that moment Sameen Shaw was and what the Samaritan agents are doing to her. And She just kept that knowledge for Herself. That thought alone was tormenting Root nearly as much as thinking about Shaw.

She was so used to the way the Machine spoke to her, like she was the most important person on the face of the Planet, beside Harold. Root was never jealous of his status, after all he was the father of the God and she gave him all the credits for that. But Root loved to believe the Machine felt something for her too. Something more than just the ordinary care She showed for every other human being.

And she was starting to doubt that now.

At first it were her nightmares, where she's been enduring the ten thousand deaths, one more agonizing than other, crying for the Machine's help and receiving none. Every other night she'd wake up screaming, gripping the sheets in horror, her gaze piercing trough the darkness of the apartment, afraid of falling asleep again. She even considered asking Harold for permission to sleep in the safe house or in the subway station, and she would have already done it, were it not for her inability to leave Shaw's apartment.

Then that fear slowly started eating her trough the daylight, more vivid every time she and Reese broke into another house or factory, killing countless (not so innocent, she liked to think) people in their wake, calling Shaw's name again and again and finding nothing but an empty bed here and an empty torture room there. It was like John Greer was toying with them without much effort, succeeding in multiplying their fears with every new place they busted. And Root suspected that maybe, just maybe he never even got Sameen out of NY in the first place. They were a bunch of fools in his eyes, she felt it now more than ever before. And the Machine kept her virtual mouth shut anyways.

She would only start to speak to Root when she entered Shaw's apartment, whispering soothing words, Her mumbling only stopping when Root was fast asleep. Not that she was able to hear it through her own screams when she woke up in the middle of every other night.

She just couldn't understand it. If the Machine had the free will, then why was She reluctant to help them in their search for Shaw? On the other hand, if She was just (Root still denied that possibility) a piece of software, object oriented, did it mean that She just didn't consider finding Shaw one of her primary objects?

Those thoughts always found Root in those long and lonely hours, before it was time for her to go to bed and she hated that.

In her old life, she had no God and no one to care about. Then she found the God, and thought she changed her life for the better. She became a believer.

Then she found someone to care about, and was so happy, not daring to believe she had been lucky enough to find them both. She became a person in love.

Then she lost one of them, and was slowly losing another, not even sure if the latter had something to do with the first.

And if she gives up her God for the woman she has already lost, what does it make of her?


End file.
